IUI - Take #2

September 2009 - two months off my 39th birthday and I was getting a bit anxious about the whole process. I was getting impatient about the whole baby thing and I am sure this anxiety wasn't helping. I began course two of the fertility drugs - half the dosage from our first attempt - and hoped for the best.

Fortunately this month we were given the go ahead with two decent follicles ready and waiting. I asked Dr M if she could do a Pap Test for me while I was under, before the insemination (may as well kill two birds with one stone!) as it had been six months and I was due for another one by now and I wanted to be sure everything was still ok, which it turned out it was. With my family history, I used to always be vigilant with my pap tests, having them annually instead of the recommended bi-annually, and it was the one time I missed having it, having fallen pregnant with my second baby, that was when my problems eventuated.

Anyway, on the day of surgery, I went in for the insemination around 10am, was in recovery by 11am and after a quick sandwich, they let me go home at about 12.30pm. Simple. And I got that awful pap test out of the way too, pain free, for at least another 6 months. When I got home I didn't do anything particularly strenuous but I didn't exactly put my feet up either, especially with a 4 and 2 year old running around. And so, the waiting game begins...

During the following week or so, I was focusing on moving out. We had sold our family home and bought acreage that we were renovating and this week was the big clean up. I hadn't given the insemination much thought - I think I assumed it would just happen and when it got to day 30 of my period (my usual cycle was 26 days), I was starting to get the feeling that it was all systems go. You could only imagine my disappointment when I was planning on going for a blood test the next day and my little monthly visitor decided to finally make it's present felt.

Bummer.

I still went for the blood test to confirm a negative result and though I don't really understand the numbers and levels and stuff, apparently nothing even attempted to happen, whatever that means. Though bummed out about it, there was nothing we could do but carry on and start again next month. After all, it was only our first attempt and you can't expect miracles every time.

I gave a lot of thought to childless women who had attempted IVF several times without success and wondered how they managed to keep it together mentally after the disappointment of a negative result. As my mother kept reminding me, I still had two beautiful little girls and that I should be grateful, which I was, but no one can understand the disappointment and self failing that comes with desperately wanting a child, be it your first or tenth, and not being able to do as nature should allow you as a woman to do. Having said that, we will keep trying and if it weren't to happen for us, I will work out a way to overcome that void and focus on the future and the two little blessings we had.